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Whew! What a turn around! From down in the dumps to jumping for joy over small accomplishments.
I have to say I am proud of myself....I found a limit I never knew I had, pushed past it without panicking and completed the task at hand.
I made good time on my quic
k dress same day....full gear breathing air for the first time, and managed it in under 2 minutes. Doesn't sound like much. But considering the day the class learned this skill, I was out sick. Third times the charm.
Who knows, maybe the small things are signs of bigger things to come.
I think that Eyes wide shut is my problem. It's almost as if I am staring at my life from the outside looking in but I have my eyes closed. Today I realized that I can do this. No matter who puts me down or tries to scare me away, I can do this. Its kinda like a real fire in a sense. The fire is burning, fully involved...adrenaline gets pumping and you do what....remove the fuel from the fire. Except I am using my bad thoughts and peoples comments as fuel for my own fire. I'm using it to make myself burn brighter and faster and harder.
I've been stressed lately. Tonight I used that stress to learn a new skill. The anger in me was my fuel. I found I learned what I needed better when I concentrated ALL of my thoughts and feelings into the task at hand.
Now to make myself remember that...lol
Seems to me that my life is taking a downward spiral, and is getting way out of control. It seems as though I'll never climb back up. While my hubby and children are doing great, I can't even concentrate on my work or training. The bills are stacked and I'm losing it!
Maybe the tunnel is shorter than it seems. Maybe God has a BIG plan and He just doesn't want to spoil the ending for me.
To make things worse on myself, I refuse to let my kids know just how hard the FD training really is. Which means if Mommy is sore, Mommy hides it. Thats not easy when you are just beginning to get back into shape and are already toting ladders and charged hose lines. I know it's only going to get heavier and more difficult, but I am keeping in mind the more I train the more my body will be able to deal with again.
I know, I sound like I'm whining right...lol! I guess I am, but at the same time, maybe here I can go back and reread everything I thought and felt during all this and use it to help myself keep going during tough times.
Where to start? Family first! :) Everyone calls me Nicki. I'm 28. I was born and raised in Baltimore, MD. and moved to Georgia in 1995. I am married to a wonderful man...lucky me! Matthew is 28, born and raised in Milledgeville, Georgia. He's a Volunteer Firefighter for Putnam County
as well. I have 2 children. Wynter is 10 and Joey is 7.
My quest into firefighting began shortly after our home burned down a few years ago. To be honest, I think I bordered obsession with the subject, I know my husband did. I began my training just a few short weeks ago at the end of September. I did not tell my children until 2 weeks ago. Boy were they suprised! I wanted to make sure that this was what I really wanted before I told them. So far so good. And at the same time, OMG this is not easy. I find myself pushing hard for every task I have to complete in the class.
At many times in these few weeks I have questioned myself. Do I really want this? Can I do this? Will I be good enough? I suppose I will continue to question every move I make from here on out.
I just hope and pray that my feelings about doing this are right and that God has chosen this path for me. I feel He has but I still question my own voice in it all.
Until later......
k dress same day....full gear breathing air for the first time, and managed it in under 2 minutes. Doesn't sound like much. But considering the day the class learned this skill, I was out sick. Third times the charm.
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