Caged

Though it's twilight,

the dark seems so thick.

With shadows on the walls,

Playing scenes like a movie,

All memories on display.

Screams break the silence,

As chains rattle on bricks.

Feathers float in the distance,

And blood stains the hall.

Ashes consuming

Where fire once raged.

Once again,

Bound and caged.

Fading from sight,

Is nothing worth this fight?

Bonded Angel

Locked in darkness,

Chained by her pain,

Bound to the earth,

Her wings tattered and torn.

She hears footsteps in the distance

Shivering in remembrance,

of the pain once endured,

A Shattered existence

Of an Angel gone ignored.

The footsteps draw closer,

A shadow appears,

Somehow she's forgetting all her fears.

No words spoken,

He helps her to her feet.

Steadying her gently,

He wraps her in his arms.

With the release of her bonds

So close at hand

He looked in her eyes

And whispers to her soul,

"You're My Smokey Angel,

I've taken your heart into my own,

and I'll never let you go"
Rising from the ashes,
Like a Phoenix taking flight,
Her wings spread wide
Showing the world the beauty they tried to hide.

(M. Scott 6/23/11)

Invisible

Haunting nightmares

of feelings in scenes

Visions of love everlasting

that will never be seen

Hands that hold

Lips that heal

Words spoken in silence

From a heart that cannot heal

Blinding pain

comes with each breath

Each touch makes me wish for death

Love is my myth

A dream shattered

Close my eyes

takes my breath

Every action

never means a thing

Holding me hostage

the nightmares are true

Nobody can see me

Not even you.

(M. Scott 9/22/10)

Empty Eyes

Are they as empty as I feel?

Lifeless and cold,

endless tunnels of darkness?

Is there a spark of light,

anything to give reasons to fight?

Or has the pain took it's toll?

Can the life return,

or are they never to burn again,

Full of passion,

love and light?

Waves of deep blue,

fading to a dull gray,

why won't the light stay?

Are they as empty as I feel?

Or is time not even enough to heal,

to replace the fear,

warm the cold,

awaken the dead?

Are they as empty as I feel?

M. Scott 11/8/10

Playing Pretend

Things are not what they seem.

Pretending not to look at you,

while you pretend not to notice.

Pretending not to ache for you,

and you pretend it isn't there.

Pretending not to reach for you,

and you pretend you didn't see.

Pretending not to love you,

while you pretend not to care.

Pretending not to hear you,

and you pretend you didn't reach.

Pretending I don't want you,

when you're just inside my reach,

And you pretend the pain is gone,

and my name you did not speak.

Things are not what they seem,

And it's your name I pretend not to scream.

M. Scott 11/5/10

Pleasing the Pain

You sing as though I can't hear,

that the words don't sting,

Like my love never mattered,

that my broken heart doesn't exist.

Ignoring my pain,

for your own pleasure.

Tears stream down my face,

but you're in a different place.

Pain so raw,

I have to walk away.

Are you ok?

That you'll never ask.

I may as well wear a mask.

I need my friend,

but he won't see,

too busy ignoring me.

My suffering an inconvenience,

so no one cares.

Unless I am smiling,

no one is there.

I'm sorry for my pain,

It's always in the way.

M. Scott 10/25/10 9:40pm

Pending Hearts Approval

Pending your hearts approval,

I will kiss you now and then.

Pending your hearts approval,

I will hold you once again.

Pending your hearts approval,

I'll hold your hand in the end.

Pending your hearts approval,

I will keep your soft voice in my mind.

Pending your hearts approval,

I will watch your eyes when mine are shut.

Pending your hearts approval,

I will hand you my heart.

Pending your hearts approval,

Please keep it locked within you!

Please Show Me The Way....

Please show me the way,

I hear the Angels crying,

But they are out of my reach.

I hear the torment,

The pain that they feel is my own.

I reach out my hand,

But it always comes back empty.

Helpless and confused,

They scream out in frustration.

Their cries are not unheard,

But I know not how to reply.

I only know to be there,

To keep my arms open at all times.

I hear my Angels crying,

But they are out of my reach,

Please show me the way!

The look in my eyes.

The soft touches passing by. The words I love you…Not good enough.

The truth and loyalty. The heart in your hands. Not good enough….

The loving tenderness. The meaningful caresses. Not good enough.

The pain of my soul ripped. The tormented mind. Not good enough.

The knife in your hands. My blood on the floor. Not good enough.

Promises....

So, yeah, I believe in and love God.

We are taught to stand on God's promises. Most of us know that God will and does speak to his children and in His own way will give us answers, blessings and even send people to prophesy over people for future blessings and paths that will be opened. So, when he makes promises to someone, how long do we stand on that until its safe to say its time to give up because it never happened. Even prophecies to couples, promises for things to come...why would He fulfill that promise to one but not the other in that couple? How are we as His children supposed to believe and hold fast to those promises and see nothing to keep us believing? Even 10 years later, things left as though they were forgotten, are we supposed to still stand and believe?

Again, please leave feedback as I would love to hear what others think of this from Christian views or any other views at that. And if anyone has any specific questions that may seem too personal to ask here then please feel free to contact me on facebook at facebook.com/smokeyangel or email me at mmmscott228@netcommander.com

Why

The tables are turned,

the chances are gone,

The doors been shut,

the curtains are drawn.

Watching from a distance,

trying to pick up the pieces.

Pieces of my broken heart,

shattered and torn on the floor.

Cuddling embraces,

sweet innocent kisses.

Hugs in the darkness,

noises in the night.

Bright laughter,

warmth in the smiles.

Curled in a hole,

swallowing my pride.

Anything for my friends,

anything for their love.

Don't leave me behind,

I need them so much.

Words unheard,

and never spoken.

Broken,

Why?

Needs

Needs to be held,

Needs to be touched,

Needs to be loved,

Needs to be warm,

Needs to be caught,

Needs to be kept,

Needs to be kissed,

Needs to be heard,

Needs to be longed for,

Needs to be rubbed,

Needs to be wanted,

Needs to be needed.

Interesting email from Grandmom.....

I received an interesting email today from my grandmother giving me some information I never knew about my family.....I never knew that I had any other firefighters in my family but one. And I had found that out about a year or so ago. Turns out it must really be in my blood and explains why I have fought so hard and still am fighting to be who I am. 

One person specifically deserves soo much credit for me getting this far....Matt if it had not been for you I never would have joined, I never would have pushed and I would have quit before I got started. Thank you so much for encouraging me when I needed it and kicking me in my ass end when I needed that too :) Even now, because you supported me so much, I now have my First Responders and made it to semester 2 of EMT-I school....when I wanted to lay down you picked my ass back up and told me to get up and keep walking. Thank you so very much Matt! You are my Silent Hero....and my loud alarm clock...lol! 

I hope my Grandmom doesn't mind but I am copying her email and posting it here:

"I just found your website.  I wanted to tell you that being a fire-fighter is in your blood.  I talked to Robert Williams, my cousin (Ladder 49).  He told me how many of my ancestors were fire-fighters.  He and his wife went to Ireland and discovered that my Great-Great-Great-grandfather was a Fire chief.

Here in Baltimore My Great-Uncle, his sons and their sons and grandsons were all Fire-fighters."

Jon Travolta and my Grandmothers Cousin Robert Williams on scene of the movie Ladder 49

 

"Any way, I saw him last week, and met some other second cousins that are fire fighters.  One is named Thomas Adcock, another Eric Williams they both know Ira. He is the one you met, right?  The fire house that you visited on Fort Avenue has the name Patrick J O'Connor on the front.  Robert's wife is the daughter of Patrick J. O'Connor.  I had two Great Uncles that I knew in my lifetime.  Edward Williams, and James Williams. They were both my mother's mother's brothers.  Robert's father was John Williams, but he wasn't a fireman.  Uncle James had two sons that were fireman.  James, Jr. has passed away, but two of his sons are fireman, and I think their sons are also fireman."

Silent Escapes

I turn the corner,
and see your shadow,
Dancing, Mocking.

I walk the sidewalk,
feeling the ghosts,
of our laughter, our love.

I feel the breeze,
blowing softly,
reminding of your touch, your kiss.

I climb the fence,
and reach the height of insanity,
as I remember my heart soaring.

I stroll down the dirt path,
kicking up dust as I go,
remembering crushed dreams.

I reach the waters edge,
and see the reflection,
of who I once was and have become.

I wonder as I tie the knots,
Why could I never change,
Why did I stay so quiet?

And I make my Silent Escape.

(M.Scott 8/5/10)

Crying Out

Somebody hold me,
Before the pieces crumble.
Someone please catch me,
Before I fall.
Somebody save me,
Before I ruin it all.
Someone run,
Save my soul.
Somebody find me,
Before I wander to far.
Someone is a hero,
Who can break the wall.
Somebody love me,
Before I lose it all.

(M.Scott 5/9/10 3:55PM)

Dreams

Do you dream of me,
While you are sleeping,
Resting and at ease?
Are the shadows gone from your mind?
Or am I still hiding there?
Do you hear me,
Whispering through the breeze?
Does the sound of my voice still drop you to your knees?
Can you feel my touch on your face?
Does it still take you to a higher place?
Does my love mean a thing to you?
Or is it disposable too?
Will you remember me,
When I am dead and gone?

(M.Scott 5/12/10 1:30AM)

Shelter

Hold me in your arms,
Even for a moment in time.
Let me feel the ecstasy and joy,
From being wrapped in your love.
Show me your heart,
and replace my pain.
Remove the shadows that lurk inside,
Dance in the light with me.
Unhinge my very essence,
Help me to let go.
Even for a moment in time to be secure,
Even for a day to be unafraid.
Show me the heavens,
If only through your eyes.
Return the stars to my sight,
Through the touch of your hands.
Shelter me with yourself.

(M.Scott 6/13/10 8AM)

Left Behind

Entry way clear,
Advancing forward,
Dragging the line.
Following the smoke,
Deeper and deeper.
Darkness consuming the light.
Brightness appears,
Angry flames,
Eating everything in its path.
The order goes out,
Evacuate before you get hurt!
Turning towards the team,
Only to find that you've been left behind.
Follow the hose line,
Only to be tangled and lost.
Calling for help,
But no one hears.
Suffocating madness,
Blinding flashes,
Grim reality, truth unfolds,
Your family never was.

(M.Scott 6/19/10 9:57PM)

Total Destruction

As the screams of despair go unheard,
The flames of destruction burn unchecked.
No one can see her,
Hiding in the open.
Surrounded by pain,
Succumbing to the heat.
She gives up crawling through the heated embers,
And watches as her world burns down.
Surrounded by flames,
She looks up and screams....
Why can no one see me?
Why doesn't anyone come for me?
Sifting through the ashes,
There is no trace left behind.

(M. Scott 3/11/10 8:04PM)

Turmoil

Flames,
Twisting, Twirling,
Licking at everything they can reach.
Watching the orange fingers reach,
Curling around every object.
Orange turns to blue,
Blue into purples, greens, and even bright white.
Flames causing utter chaos,
A world tuning upside-down.
Tunnel vision,
Focus on the flames.
Trying to extinguish them,
Then realizing they refuse to be put out.
Why won't this fire die?
Stricken by the realization,
The flames are not real,
They are an imagery of turmoil in ones life.

(M.Scott 3/11/10 6:43AM)

Walk Away

Turn and walk away,
Don't try to beg me to stay.
Hatred burns on your face,
Causing my heart to catch a new pace.
Tripping on my feet,
Being chased away from the heat.
Stuttering and stammering for the words,
But they fly away like tiny birds.
Sleep eludes me,
While nightmares chase me.
Consuming pain as my meal,
No one can seem to be real.
Touches are no more,
I had no choice but to shut that door.
Strength is lacking,
But I have to send fear packing.

(M. Scott 8/19/10 7:29AM)

Pain

Pain is a path we must follow,
Always hoping there will be no tomorrow.
Suck it up and try again,
It's amazing those words from a friend.
Moments of laughter,
They're so hard to remember after.
Cuts so deep into an old wound,
Who knew he'd leave you marooned.
Blood soaked tattered and torn,
I thought these feathers were meant to be adorned.
Teasing memories of what could have been,
Altered by a mortal sin.
High as a kite,
Taking it's final flight.
Turning around to walk away,
Out of my mouth, I love you anyways.
Tear stained pillows catching my sobbing breaths,
Feeling as though I've died a thousand deaths.
Now I lay me down to rest,
Who knows if I have passed this test.
So glad I never gave all my heart,
For right now it would be shattered apart.

(M. Scott 8/19/10 6:30AM)

In the mood to write....

Going to post a few poems I've been writing over the last few months. Please leave me some feedback......
(And as a side note, though some may seem dark or even suicidal...please know that this is only poems, and I am not thinking about suicide in any way!)

Desperation

Crawling,
Endlessly crawling through a long dark hallway.
Searching for something unknown.
Is there anyone there?
Why won't anyone answer me?
The darkness is maddening.
This mask is so tight.
Struggling to breathe normal,
Crawling slowly and desperately.
Right hand search,
But where is the corner to turn,
Where is the corner to hide in?
Under, over, and around but still no corner to be found.
Warning bells sounding all around,
Still searching desperately.
Then I realize,
I am looking for me.....

New update

Lots of good news. I passed the First Responder class, and I obtained my Live Fire. I am now First Responder Certified as well as GA Module 1 w/Live Fire Certified. I still would like to complete the skills portion of the NQP FF1 Exam but at least I am not so stressed to get it for now.
My son is recovering very quickly and very well. We had a minor set back on getting his prosthesis started but other than that things are great. He is walking and running on his heel now and is still the same happy boy as always.

Surgery

My son's surgery went perfectly! Even better than the dr's expected! We brought him home Thursday afternoon and will have to go back to Shriners Wednesday for a precautionary check up. If all is well we'll bring him back home that day.
More updates as they come.

Been Awhile

I guess it's "Long time no post" again. I did pass my written exam...now to find a live fire event to complete my training and go take my practicals. I am also now enrolled and have begun First Responders class.
On a different note, my 8 year old son will be undergoing surgery next week. He will be having his right foot amputated.
Talk about climbing walls and going insane! I'll post again after we return home from the Shriners Hospital.

Here we go with the "Long Time No Post"

Long time no post...lol! I had to drop my class :( I got sick during the last few weeks and missed to much to catch up in time for testing.
The good news is I was allowed to take my written exam (NPQ) and I passed! So even with the speed bumps on the way to my National Cert. I am still inching along. Thank God Georgia still accepts Module 1 so I can be active with my department still. Now to work my way back into another class and move forward for the Skills test. My District Captain will be helping me with my skills along the way as well as taking another round of class to make sure I don't miss a beat.
I have more speed bumps in my path now. Coming up this September, my son will undergo his last clubfoot surgery. Unfortunately, there is no fixing his foot now so this will be his amputation surgery. Fingers are crossed that before Christmas he will be up and running on his new prosthetic foot.
I guess that's it for now, and wish me luck!

Now that the holidays are over I think I might have some time to post again...lol! I missed class this past weekend because I was in Baltimore visiting family and ALOT of Fire Stations in Baltimore City. We had a blast! I'll post a few pics here but for anyone interesting in seeing more go to my myspace page to see them all. myspace.com/guardianangels31024
The last class I attended before the holiday break was amazing to me. We finally were able to obtain a burn building so we got to play! I made it to lunch. The EMT's that were there pulled me out for awhile due to my blood pressure skyrocketing. I wanted back in but they had told me to eat something even though I knew it would make me sick. I shouldnt have listened....lol...I had to sit out the rest of the day. Last weekend they did some Salvage and Overhaul training which I missed and will have to make up before the end of the month or I won't be allowed to test. We're supposed to burn this coming weekend. They were able to obtain a house closer to the training center for us to play in. I can't wait.
While we were in Baltimore we visited alot of historical sites from the Great Baltimore Fire of 1904 which burned over half of Baltimore City over a period of a few days. (pics of that are also on my myspace) We went to the "Big House" or "Super House" whichever you prefer to call it...it's said to be the largest Fire House in the world. We visited most of the areas from Ladder 49 as well.
It amazes me at the difference in how the Dept's are run there compared to here in the south. The orginization is wonderful....like a well oiled machine.
I think this trip renewed my determination to complete class and go to work.
Anyways, Happy New Year to all! I'll post again after next class.

Whew!

Whew! What a turn around! From down in the dumps to jumping for joy over small accomplishments.
I have to say I am proud of myself....I found a limit I never knew I had, pushed past it without panicking and completed the task at hand.
I made good time on my quick dress same day....full gear breathing air for the first time, and managed it in under 2 minutes. Doesn't sound like much. But considering the day the class learned this skill, I was out sick. Third times the charm.
Who knows, maybe the small things are signs of bigger things to come.

Eyes wide shut....

I think that Eyes wide shut is my problem. It's almost as if I am staring at my life from the outside looking in but I have my eyes closed. Today I realized that I can do this. No matter who puts me down or tries to scare me away, I can do this. Its kinda like a real fire in a sense. The fire is burning, fully involved...adrenaline gets pumping and you do what....remove the fuel from the fire. Except I am using my bad thoughts and peoples comments as fuel for my own fire. I'm using it to make myself burn brighter and faster and harder.
I've been stressed lately. Tonight I used that stress to learn a new skill. The anger in me was my fuel. I found I learned what I needed better when I concentrated ALL of my thoughts and feelings into the task at hand.
Now to make myself remember that...lol

A downward spiral...

Seems to me that my life is taking a downward spiral, and is getting way out of control. It seems as though I'll never climb back up. While my hubby and children are doing great, I can't even concentrate on my work or training. The bills are stacked and I'm losing it!
Maybe the tunnel is shorter than it seems. Maybe God has a BIG plan and He just doesn't want to spoil the ending for me.
To make things worse on myself, I refuse to let my kids know just how hard the FD training really is. Which means if Mommy is sore, Mommy hides it. Thats not easy when you are just beginning to get back into shape and are already toting ladders and charged hose lines. I know it's only going to get heavier and more difficult, but I am keeping in mind the more I train the more my body will be able to deal with again.
I know, I sound like I'm whining right...lol! I guess I am, but at the same time, maybe here I can go back and reread everything I thought and felt during all this and use it to help myself keep going during tough times.

The Beginning?!

Where to start? Family first! :) Everyone calls me Nicki. I'm 28. I was born and raised in Baltimore, MD. and moved to Georgia in 1995. I am married to a wonderful man...lucky me! Matthew is 28, born and raised in Milledgeville, Georgia. He's a Volunteer Firefighter for Putnam County as well. I have 2 children. Wynter is 10 and Joey is 7.
My quest into firefighting began shortly after our home burned down a few years ago. To be honest, I think I bordered obsession with the subject, I know my husband did. I began my training just a few short weeks ago at the end of September. I did not tell my children until 2 weeks ago. Boy were they suprised! I wanted to make sure that this was what I really wanted before I told them. So far so good. And at the same time, OMG this is not easy. I find myself pushing hard for every task I have to complete in the class.
At many times in these few weeks I have questioned myself. Do I really want this? Can I do this? Will I be good enough? I suppose I will continue to question every move I make from here on out.
I just hope and pray that my feelings about doing this are right and that God has chosen this path for me. I feel He has but I still question my own voice in it all.
Until later......